The Fine Print of Gary
01. NAME: Gary Longfellow Draplin.
02. AKC NUMBER: HP14334901.
03. BREED: Dachshund.
04. SIZE: Miniature.
05. SEX: Male.
06. COLOR: Red.
07. PMS SPEC: Pantone 174.
08. SIRE: Hugo Von Longfellow.
09. DAM: Mi Darlin Twinkie Jo.
10. BREEDER: Dana Jesperson.
11. BIRTHPLACE: Deep, deep Southeast Portland.
12. GARYDAY: December 28th, 2004, of all days.
13. LENGTH: Little over a foot.
14. WIDTH: “A little thinner that the diameter of a compact disc,” or, “about a piece of salami.” You
choose.
15. HEIGHT: Little over half a foot, at the top of his head. At his back, he’s no more that four inches.
16. WEIGHT: 7.5 lbs.
17. COAT: Smooth, soft, clean, and, the little sonofabitch doesn’t shed.
18. HEART: Strong, pure, brave and warm.
19. DEMEANOR: Protective and loud, then friendly and trusting.
20. HANDLING: Loves to be held. A cuddler, and, lover of laps.
21. BARK: Bone-rattling, shrill, jet airplane, eardrum death and fucking really loud.
22. NA-NA, SEEP-SEEP: Lots. The little man gets pooped.
23. SNIPPAGE: Officially “ball-less” and doing quite rather well, circumstances pending.
24. HUMPERAGE: Somewhat reserved, every now and again the little man “gets his groove on,” usually on an unsuspecting ankle or shin.
25. SHOTS: Parvo, Rabies, and whatever else the vet deemed necessary.
26. CHOWTIME: IAMS brand, in the green bag, for small dogs. We administer a little over a cup/cup-and-a-half a day.
27. WATERING: Ice-cold tap water.
28. HOUSEBREAKING: Stubborn and sneaky. Lots of 409 being sprayed, all over the ranch. He’s a hard case. We’re determined to break the little fucker once and for all.
29. #1: After a couple x-rays, the vet determined Gary only had one kidney for his plumbing. That said, the little man seems to have to go all the time.
30. #2: Small, brownish to black, resembling a tootise roll. (The larger one.)
